Wednesday, November 08, 2006
What we are not learning:
The Foley scandal and the latest embarrassment to evangelical Christians based upon the revelation (no pun intended) their lead pastor has been using drugs and having sex with another man are merely indications we are not being honest with ourselves as a society.
I once commented to an employee the first album by "Enigma" was great music to make love by, to which she indignantly replied she was a chaste Christian and a virgin. Three months later this sixteen-year-old girl was very sexually active and not shy about her relationship.
What do these events show us? That we are surrounded by "temptation" and must always be on guard? That sex is a danger to our sense of virtue?
The obvious answer is that our perception of sex and morality is distorted, that we are sexually "dysfunctional," (though I loathe that term.)
We are not sexually "dysfunctional." Our perception of sex and sexuality is fucked up. We are juvenile, prurient and sophomoric when it comes to sex. Kinsey tried to teach us, but we decided to act like the puritans that founded this country instead of abandoning our infantile views of sex and sexuality.
We lie about sex and sexuality, even to ourselves. We are filled with self-hatred and self-loathing about our sexuality. Instead of telling our parents and grandparents the truth – that their world is not ours – we lie to them and to ourselves. We persecute each other when their sexual values do not match ours. We pretend our world is one that never really existed, some twisted vision we invented on 50s television.
The truth is a hundred years ago children got married and had children of their own and it was considered normal. Today we try and oppress teen sexuality, and when a child gets pregnant we pretend it's a horrific mistake. I'm not saying teen pregnancy is a good thing. It's wonderful our life expectancy has increased to the extent we can wait until after we graduate college to start a family.
When the AIDS epidemic started there was a French physician watching his friend and colleague die, a woman who had been treating patients in Africa in resource-poor settings. She often had her bare hands in open chest wounds because they ran out of gloves. When this man looked to America to see what our research was doing he saw only our preoccupation with gay sex. He knew his doctor friend was not gay nor was she having sex with gay men while treating poor people in a village in Africa.
"What is with the American's preoccupation with sex?" this frustrated physician asked himself.
We let an epidemic spin out of control because we did not want to accept the facts of, not only our sexuality, but our terror of disease. (There are many things we are childish about – sex and illness are but two of them.) Instead we let a geriatric President steeped in anger and bigotry determine the growth of an epidemic.
Our view of ourselves as sexual beings is not steeped in reality. Why do over 50% of marriages break up? Could it be that, when one person in the relationship stops wanting sex, our Fears force the other person into a celibacy they neither want nor desire? We do this without even saying a word. Time for the F-word again. (Fear.) We Fear our partner may find someone he prefers to us simply because he or she has sex with this third person. How insecure is that?
But we never talk about it because that would force us to be honest and adult about sex, sexuality and Fear. Instead we let people whose sexuality is more suited to the Middle Ages determine the course of our country. Most of us don't agree with these people, but we also failed to take them seriously when they started taking over school boards, and look at the damage they have done in just 26 years! We got lazy and complacent because even those who consider themselves "progressive" want to hang on to their juvenile views about sex, sexuality and relationships.
We may work harder than nearly any other society, but we are incredibly lazy when it comes to dealing with sex and feelings. Why? Time to look at the F-word again. Or maybe we don’t want to assume emotional responsibility for our sex and sexuality. Be it Fear or laziness, we have neglected a very important aspect of our health, our emotional health. Instead we have suppressed it to the point where it's starting to kill us.
Am I being over-dramatic to say our stunted emotional growth is endangering our physical health and sanity? I wish I were. There are three aspects to health – the physical, the emotional and the spiritual.
Before we get hung up here I want to clarify by saying the human spirit is not necessarily intertwined with any form of religion. Your spirit has nothing to do with your belief or disbelief in some form of god or gods. If you don't know the difference I strongly suggest you do a little homework, because defining the human spirit is a topic that could take an entire essay of its own.
But the health of our emotions and spirits require understanding, education and honesty – with ourselves and our doctors. On the flip side, doctors are learning that ignoring their patients emotional and spiritual needs is bad medical practice – but give them some time. It's not easy for arrogant scientists to get in touch with their human side.
We all have Fears we don’t even know we have because we don't fully understand our sexuality. (We likely have Fears that are based in emotional and spiritual ignorance as well.) In short, most of us need to grow up.
Here's one – Being gay or lesbian does NOT automatically make us sexually progressive. It makes us non-mainstream, but does not make us sexually, emotionally and spiritually progressive. Time for us to stop pretending we're somehow above the heterosexuals solely by virtue of our sexuality.
Focus on the words; "some," "solely," and "most." But if everyone who reads this lies to themselves by telling themselves; "I'm emotionally and sexually mature;" we continue the denial that has let these religious extremists nearly take over our country. To paraphrase; "We are not all that and a bag of potato chips." Most of us are back in the high-school locker room.
If my prognosis offends you, too bad. In fact, if it really does, that might be a sign for you to take a look at your sexual, emotional and spiritual maturity.
Or you could just say; "that Phillip Alden is an arrogant asshole," and switch to the next blog entry. I may indeed be an arrogant asshole, but I have a valid point.
Another aspect of our unhealthy relationship with sex and sexuality is poor body image. This causes all kinds of physical health problems like eating disorders, as well as a number of emotional problems. Most of us have a terrible relationship with our bodies and we pay a huge price for that. Quite literally, poor body image kills us.
It's time to be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings, including our feelings around sex, because there are few things as steeped in emotion as sex/sexuality. That calls for introspection and focused thought. What makes us happy and unhappy? (Not what others may or may not do to cause our happiness/unhappiness.) What are our personal sexual needs and desires? What are we afraid of?
That last question is one that should be given a good deal of time and attention. Only by really determining what we are truly afraid of can we begin to feel strong enough to talk about who we really are and what we really want. Fear is the enemy. Fear is always the enemy, (on one level or another.) Fear sometimes drives us without our really seeing it, without effectively recognizing it and subsequently effectively resolving it.
Once we get past the Fear that allows us to say; "I think I might like having sex with (x); I think I might enjoy being tied up, or having sex in the woods, (watch out for that Poison Oak.) Or more serious admissions like; "I think my sex drive might be different from my partner and I want to address that in a constructive and thoughtful manner."
There are many wonderful books on emotional communication. (I'm reading a couple right now.) Kinsey, and "Masters and Johnson" are great sources on sexual understanding and growth.
But careful thought and honest self-evaluation are necessary, and should become regular behavior patterns. (Take it from a guy who has failed to do so on many occasions.)
I'm not saying this stuff because I'm an expert on human feelings and sexuality, or because I've had some great revelation I feel compelled to share. I'm saying this because I've been taught a lot of great stuff from some very intelligent people. I've been lucky to have friends and partners who have helped me grow as a person. I've had great doctors, who took the time to address my emotional health and spiritual health and give me some really good guidance.
And lastly I'm stating all this because I'm tired of watching "sexual scandals" that are the result of retarded societal views on human sexuality. How many more Foley(s) and Haggard(s) do we have to watch implode before we stop this twisted charade that is harming all of us?
Phillip Alden
November 2006
San Francisco, CA
The Foley scandal and the latest embarrassment to evangelical Christians based upon the revelation (no pun intended) their lead pastor has been using drugs and having sex with another man are merely indications we are not being honest with ourselves as a society.
I once commented to an employee the first album by "Enigma" was great music to make love by, to which she indignantly replied she was a chaste Christian and a virgin. Three months later this sixteen-year-old girl was very sexually active and not shy about her relationship.
What do these events show us? That we are surrounded by "temptation" and must always be on guard? That sex is a danger to our sense of virtue?
The obvious answer is that our perception of sex and morality is distorted, that we are sexually "dysfunctional," (though I loathe that term.)
We are not sexually "dysfunctional." Our perception of sex and sexuality is fucked up. We are juvenile, prurient and sophomoric when it comes to sex. Kinsey tried to teach us, but we decided to act like the puritans that founded this country instead of abandoning our infantile views of sex and sexuality.
We lie about sex and sexuality, even to ourselves. We are filled with self-hatred and self-loathing about our sexuality. Instead of telling our parents and grandparents the truth – that their world is not ours – we lie to them and to ourselves. We persecute each other when their sexual values do not match ours. We pretend our world is one that never really existed, some twisted vision we invented on 50s television.
The truth is a hundred years ago children got married and had children of their own and it was considered normal. Today we try and oppress teen sexuality, and when a child gets pregnant we pretend it's a horrific mistake. I'm not saying teen pregnancy is a good thing. It's wonderful our life expectancy has increased to the extent we can wait until after we graduate college to start a family.
When the AIDS epidemic started there was a French physician watching his friend and colleague die, a woman who had been treating patients in Africa in resource-poor settings. She often had her bare hands in open chest wounds because they ran out of gloves. When this man looked to America to see what our research was doing he saw only our preoccupation with gay sex. He knew his doctor friend was not gay nor was she having sex with gay men while treating poor people in a village in Africa.
"What is with the American's preoccupation with sex?" this frustrated physician asked himself.
We let an epidemic spin out of control because we did not want to accept the facts of, not only our sexuality, but our terror of disease. (There are many things we are childish about – sex and illness are but two of them.) Instead we let a geriatric President steeped in anger and bigotry determine the growth of an epidemic.
Our view of ourselves as sexual beings is not steeped in reality. Why do over 50% of marriages break up? Could it be that, when one person in the relationship stops wanting sex, our Fears force the other person into a celibacy they neither want nor desire? We do this without even saying a word. Time for the F-word again. (Fear.) We Fear our partner may find someone he prefers to us simply because he or she has sex with this third person. How insecure is that?
But we never talk about it because that would force us to be honest and adult about sex, sexuality and Fear. Instead we let people whose sexuality is more suited to the Middle Ages determine the course of our country. Most of us don't agree with these people, but we also failed to take them seriously when they started taking over school boards, and look at the damage they have done in just 26 years! We got lazy and complacent because even those who consider themselves "progressive" want to hang on to their juvenile views about sex, sexuality and relationships.
We may work harder than nearly any other society, but we are incredibly lazy when it comes to dealing with sex and feelings. Why? Time to look at the F-word again. Or maybe we don’t want to assume emotional responsibility for our sex and sexuality. Be it Fear or laziness, we have neglected a very important aspect of our health, our emotional health. Instead we have suppressed it to the point where it's starting to kill us.
Am I being over-dramatic to say our stunted emotional growth is endangering our physical health and sanity? I wish I were. There are three aspects to health – the physical, the emotional and the spiritual.
Before we get hung up here I want to clarify by saying the human spirit is not necessarily intertwined with any form of religion. Your spirit has nothing to do with your belief or disbelief in some form of god or gods. If you don't know the difference I strongly suggest you do a little homework, because defining the human spirit is a topic that could take an entire essay of its own.
But the health of our emotions and spirits require understanding, education and honesty – with ourselves and our doctors. On the flip side, doctors are learning that ignoring their patients emotional and spiritual needs is bad medical practice – but give them some time. It's not easy for arrogant scientists to get in touch with their human side.
We all have Fears we don’t even know we have because we don't fully understand our sexuality. (We likely have Fears that are based in emotional and spiritual ignorance as well.) In short, most of us need to grow up.
Here's one – Being gay or lesbian does NOT automatically make us sexually progressive. It makes us non-mainstream, but does not make us sexually, emotionally and spiritually progressive. Time for us to stop pretending we're somehow above the heterosexuals solely by virtue of our sexuality.
Focus on the words; "some," "solely," and "most." But if everyone who reads this lies to themselves by telling themselves; "I'm emotionally and sexually mature;" we continue the denial that has let these religious extremists nearly take over our country. To paraphrase; "We are not all that and a bag of potato chips." Most of us are back in the high-school locker room.
If my prognosis offends you, too bad. In fact, if it really does, that might be a sign for you to take a look at your sexual, emotional and spiritual maturity.
Or you could just say; "that Phillip Alden is an arrogant asshole," and switch to the next blog entry. I may indeed be an arrogant asshole, but I have a valid point.
Another aspect of our unhealthy relationship with sex and sexuality is poor body image. This causes all kinds of physical health problems like eating disorders, as well as a number of emotional problems. Most of us have a terrible relationship with our bodies and we pay a huge price for that. Quite literally, poor body image kills us.
It's time to be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings, including our feelings around sex, because there are few things as steeped in emotion as sex/sexuality. That calls for introspection and focused thought. What makes us happy and unhappy? (Not what others may or may not do to cause our happiness/unhappiness.) What are our personal sexual needs and desires? What are we afraid of?
That last question is one that should be given a good deal of time and attention. Only by really determining what we are truly afraid of can we begin to feel strong enough to talk about who we really are and what we really want. Fear is the enemy. Fear is always the enemy, (on one level or another.) Fear sometimes drives us without our really seeing it, without effectively recognizing it and subsequently effectively resolving it.
Once we get past the Fear that allows us to say; "I think I might like having sex with (x); I think I might enjoy being tied up, or having sex in the woods, (watch out for that Poison Oak.) Or more serious admissions like; "I think my sex drive might be different from my partner and I want to address that in a constructive and thoughtful manner."
There are many wonderful books on emotional communication. (I'm reading a couple right now.) Kinsey, and "Masters and Johnson" are great sources on sexual understanding and growth.
But careful thought and honest self-evaluation are necessary, and should become regular behavior patterns. (Take it from a guy who has failed to do so on many occasions.)
I'm not saying this stuff because I'm an expert on human feelings and sexuality, or because I've had some great revelation I feel compelled to share. I'm saying this because I've been taught a lot of great stuff from some very intelligent people. I've been lucky to have friends and partners who have helped me grow as a person. I've had great doctors, who took the time to address my emotional health and spiritual health and give me some really good guidance.
And lastly I'm stating all this because I'm tired of watching "sexual scandals" that are the result of retarded societal views on human sexuality. How many more Foley(s) and Haggard(s) do we have to watch implode before we stop this twisted charade that is harming all of us?
Phillip Alden
November 2006
San Francisco, CA
# posted by Phillip T. Alden @ 6:51 PM 
