One More Opinion

Helping or harming?

As some of you know, I volunteer with a local ASO (AIDS Service Organization) here in San Mateo County. Aside from writing their materials I open and run the place one day a week. Right now we're in transition. We provide food, but there are multiple places people can get groceries. What we really provide is support – a listening ear, a place where clients can blow off steam.

I had an interesting experience last Wednesday:

We had a client come in for food, a black woman in her 30s-40s. When she came we started talking about health and the black community. She was aware that bad diet is a serious health factor in her community, probably because she is diabetic herself. She's also overweight and admitted she does not exercise. She also said she's been overweight since childhood.

Because we grew up so close to each other we shared experience. And even though my friend who also volunteers there said she was all "drama" I liked her. I don't know if we could ever be friends because our lives are so different, and she has her own agenda, (as do I) – but I just felt well-disposed towards her and enjoyed talking with her.

We don't tell our clients what food they should take. We just let them help themselves to whatever we have in the pantry. It's not our job to tell others how to live their lives.

But I noticed she took mostly food that was bad for her, either with much refined sugar or something that converts to sugar in the metabolism process. She was clearly intelligent, and had been educated by the nutritionist at her medical clinic. She knew the food she was getting was contraindicated for someone with diabetes. She even ate some ice cream while she was there, without testing her blood sugar level.

And I wondered if we were helping or harming her. Part of our transition is getting away from food distribution, staying with emotional support and providing community, and introducing a computer lab where we teach our clients about the basics of computer use.

It would solve some problems, create new ones, and reinforce what we feel is our true purpose. (I'm also on the board.) But watching this woman leave with bags of food that are poor choices nutritionally, I began to think about where education stops and personal responsibility begins. We had an educated, well-informed, intelligent person making terrible decisions.

She will likely never lose weight, never eat right and never control her blood sugar the way she should.

I have two close friends who are in similar circumstances. Both are very heavy. One has terrible heart problems. The other has had a bone in his foot disintegrate – meaning the foot cannot support the body weight and causing great physical pain. Both are smart, educated men. Both have been overweight since childhood.

The dysfunction in our world effects people in all kinds of ways. Some eat, some drug, some drink, some cut themselves, and some endanger their lives constantly.

But at some point we either stop or we die. The Tao says that behavior that is opposite the path of "Te" is a death trip. Those who make war are killing themselves in mind, body and spirit. To a lesser extent the same is true of my friends and the woman I described.

The Tao says it should not be believed on its face. Apply the teachings and view the world through the teachings to see if it is true for you. As I watch the world through this lens I see the words confirmed. The Tao does not require faith because, like physical science, it can be proven. This is one of the reasons Tao is not a religion in the strictest sense of the word. I don't have to believe in prophets or gods, miracles or the promise of a better place when I die. The Tao lives in today.

It's clear this woman and my two friends are on a death trip. Just ask their doctors. I can see clear physical evidence of the hypothesis.

But the flip side of the coin, living the path of "Te," is not easy. Smoking cigarettes, abusing drugs and alcohol, sedentary lifestyle habits – are the opposite of "Te."

Thank the universe it is forgiving, for none of us are perfect when it comes to "Te." Even the Dali Lama will admit to character defects that keep him from perfect "Te."

But that does not absolve us of personal responsibility. Some people have been taught they should mentally kick themselves and tell themselves negative messages about what kind of people they are. This is not personal responsibility. Self-recrimination is also opposite the path of "Te." The past cannot be changed. Fix what you can and move on. Because recrimination is also a way of avoiding personal responsibility. If I beat myself up over my mistakes I don't have to fix things in the Now. Once again I avoid personal responsibility while thinking I am doing just that. Denial.

One of the (many) reasons I love dogs and cats is because they are examples of Zen. They live totally in the Now. The cat does not beat itself up over the quilt it destroyed last year, nor does it worry about the future. The cat lives in the Now all the time.

So when I look at the woman I described or my two friends the following comes to mind – You know what the problem is. The past cannot be changed. You know what you have to do. Do it Now.

I guess part of the solution lies in desire. Do you want to keep living? Do you want to be healthier? Do you want to let go of the past? Do you care about where you are today and tomorrow? Where does your desire lie? What are your priorities?

I accept these people as they are today. My only wish is for their health and happiness. But part of me struggles with their continuation of bad decision-making. This is not the path. Because I believe what has been proven to me.

But it has taken 40 years to see it. I know why most people come to the Tao when they are my age or older. In youth we live for the moment – excitement and stimulation. As young adults we strive for understanding and our place in the world. I had to go through it all to reach this place. I guess that's why they call it the beginning of wisdom. In some ways it feels like being an ignorant child again. I begin to understand what I do NOT know. I had to go through years of study and hard work to get to a place where I feel I'm at the start again.

There's less comparison. I don’t have to judge myself by those around me. I'm no better or worse than anyone else, and they are no better or worse than I. We all want the same things. We all want to be loved. We don’t want to be alone. I also believe we all want to help others. We want to make the world a better place. When we are given the chance to help we become enthused. In some way we believe that we are helping somehow right at this moment.

I just wish I had more faith the universe is unfolding as it should. It's hard to look at the suffering and not get angry and frustrated. It's hard to look at hate and see the fear that drives it. When I can remember that fear is driving all the pain in the world it's easier to see, but it hurts. I want to change things, stop the hurt, push back the darkness.

Most of all it's hard accepting my limitations.